Singles Scene San Francisco

Valentine's Day: To Give or not to Give is the Question

This holiday is tricky as it can add pressure to any relationship whether you have been together for a week or months. Here are some easy guidelines to follow; should this be a concern for you.

Less than three months

Don't even bring it up if you have been dating for a month or less. If you have been dating for more than a month, bring it up casually, but don't expect anything.

Three to Six Months

If you have been together this long, it is reasonable to expect to exchange gifts and to enjoy a good dinner together. If one of you is not up for that, it is likely you are in different places in your relationship.

Six Months Plus

This is a time for somewhat bigger romantic gestures - a special dinner together at a fancier restaurant than you usually go to and an exchange of gifts that are nicer.

You in 2010...

2010 is YOUR year however, make sure you are making it great for others as well.  For example, you can help support disaster relief in Haiti while also possibly improving your social life. Meeting like-minded people at charity events guarantees good things all around.

 Support Disaster Relief in Haiti – by attending charity events or donating to an organization.

On January 12, a 7.0 magnitude earthquake struck Haiti. Join recovery efforts mobilizing around the world to assist earthquake victims. Your donation will help disaster victims rebuild their lives and their communities.

THIS WEEKEND’S HAITI BENEFITS EVENTS:

Bakesale for Haiti: Many cupcakes and other sweets are on sale at the gourmet market, as well as at Pizzaiolo in Oakland and Gioia Pizzeria in North Berkeley. All proceeds benefit Partners in Health. Sat., Jan. 23, 10 a.m., free. Bi-Rite Market, 3639 18th St. (at Guerrero), 241-9760, www.biritemarket.com.

Benefit Class for Haitian Earthquake Relief: Mixed levels Vinyasa class with Jill Abelson. Sun., Jan. 17, 4:30 p.m., $17. Yoga Tree Valencia, 1234 Valencia (at 23rd St.), 647-9707, www.yogatreesf.com.

Book Sales Benefit Haiti: Twenty per cent of proceeds from books sold on www.irreference.com and www.knockknock.biz will benefit American Red Cross efforts in Haiti. Jan. 15-31, varies. Multiple San Francisco locations, multiple addresses.

Ellul Haiti Benefit: All proceeds from local electronic duo Ellul's recent EP go to Partners in Health. Find it at www.ellul.bandcamp.com. Jan. 15-Feb. 5, pay what you can. Multiple San Francisco locations, multiple addresses.

The English Beat Haiti Benefit: Ska band splits 100% of proceeds to Doctors Without Borders and Yelé Haiti Earthquake Fund. Show plus VIP meet-and-greet. Sun., Jan. 17, 8 p.m., $25-$100. Red Devil Lounge, 1695 Polk (at Clay), 921-1695, www.reddevillounge.com.

Free Party for Doctors Without Borders: Live music, good food, and beer are free, but to get the raffle prizes, you have to shell out. The organization works to provide direct medical care in dangerous areas -- including Haiti. Sat., Jan. 16, 7 p.m., free, Verdi Club, 2424 Mariposa (at Potrero), 861-9199, www.verdiclub.net.

Funny Mondays at Deco Lounge Haiti Benefits: Comedy shows donate proceeds to Rainbow World Fund's efforts in Haiti. Starting Jan. 18, Mondays, 8 p.m. Continues through Jan. 25, free-$20 donation. Deco Lounge, 510 Larkin (at Turk), 346-2025, www.decosf.com.

Haiti Benefit Concert: San Francisco Boys Chorus and friends perform. Sun., Jan. 24, 5 p.m., donations accepted. Cathedral of Christ the Light, 2121 Harrison (at Grand), Oakland, www.ctlcathedral.org.

Hearts and Hands Special Benefit for Haiti Earthquake Relief: Family soul dance jam benefits Doctors Without Borders. Sun., Jan. 17, 11 a.m., $5-$15. Ashkenaz, 1317 San Pablo (at Gilman), Berkeley, 510-525-5054.

A Night of Hopeful Laughter: Comedy Benefit for Hope Flight Foundation: Tue., Jan. 26, 7:30 p.m., $15. Make-Out Room, 3225 22nd St. (at Mission), 647-2888, www.makeoutroom.com.

Spark Membership Mixer Haiti Benefit: Women's philanthropic group donates to relief efforts. Wed., Jan. 27, 6 p.m., $75, www.sparksf.org. Cantina, 580 Sutter (at Mason), 398-0195, www.cantinasf.com.

Swing Dance for Haiti Relief: "Swing U"'s beginning dance lessons benefit relief efforts in Haiti. Sun., Jan. 17, 7 p.m., $10, www.balboabattle.com. Live Arts Gallery, 151 Potrero (at Alameda), (415) 263-0980, www.artbusiness.com/livart.html.

 

 

 

Donate to UNICEF

UNICEF is deploying clean water and sanitation supplies, therapeutic foods, medical supplies and temporary shelter to Jacmel and Port-au-Prince. UNICEF will also be focusing on children who have become separated from their families to protect them from harm or exploitation.

 http://www.unicefusa.org

Donate to CARE

CARE plans to start food distributions using stocks of high-protein biscuits from CARE warehouses in Haiti. CARE has 133 staff who are on the ground coordinating with U.N. agencies and other aid organizations to gather more detailed information about the damage and will rapidly scale up response based on those assessments.

https://my.care.org

To donate to the American Red Cross, visit www.redcrossbayarea.org. Information on the California Nurses Association is available at www.calnurses.org.                                  To donate to the Haiti Emergency Relief Fund, visit www.haitiaction.net. To donate to Partners in Health, visit www.pih.org.

To donate to Direct Relief International, a Santa Barbara-based organization that gives medical supplies to disaster victims, visit www.directrelief.org.

Other ways to help

Also accepting cash and in-kind donations are the following sites: Clinton Bush Haiti Fund, UNICEF (1-800-4UNICEF), Direct Relief, Yele Haiti, Partners in Health, Red Cross, World Food Program, Mercy Corps (1-888-256-1900), Save the Children, Lambi Fund, Doctors Without Borders, The International Rescue Committee, Care, William J. Clinton Foundation, Meds & Food For Kids, Feed the Children, Habitat for Humanity, Mayor's Fund for NYC

The following organizations are accepting SMS donations in the US only:

• SMS text “HAITI” to 90999 to donate $10 to Red Cross relief efforts
• SMS text “YELE” to 501501 to Donate $5 to Yele Haiti’s Earthquake Relief efforts
• SMS text "GIVE10" to 20222 to donate $10 to Direct Relief

Help map Haiti - Directly assist relief workers in saving lives.

 

Ten Dating Resolutions for 2010

To help in your dating adventure for this year, take a look what the host of "On Dating", Andrea Syrtash has to offer in her Top Ten Dating Resolutions for 2010.

  By: Andrea Syrtash, Host of "On Dating"

Top 10 Dating Resolutions for 2010

 I remember in the months leading up to the year 2000, I made love resolutions for the new millennium. I joked with friends that I wouldn't date anyone who was not Y2K compatible, but I was serious. I wanted to be thoughtful about my love life in the 2000s. I've always believed that consciousness and commitment are key ingredients to change.

As you step into this new decade, I would encourage you to be thoughtful about your dating life and your relationships. To help you get started, here is my Top Ten Dating Resolutions for 2010.

 

1) Date the person -- not the potential.

It's wonderful to believe that the object of your desire will come around and treat you the way you want to be treated but remember - you're more likely to find success in love if you are realistic about who is in front of you today.

 

2) Listen to your date's words, but put more credence in her actions.

I often tell singles to pretend their dating lives are a silent movie. A woman may tell you she really likes you and wants to be with you, but if she is not following up and making you a priority, take the cue that she may not be relationship ready.

 

 3) Take Risks. 

 If you keep doing the same thing in your love life and want to find new results, you have to do - and date - differently. Sometimes this means stepping outside of your comfort zone and trying new activities to meet new people or stretching yourself emotionally.

 

4) Be Open.

 You cannot have true intimacy without vulnerability. If you keep protecting yourself from getting hurt, you are shutting yourself off from real connection.

 

5) Be Resilient.

 Remember that most dating scenarios are designed to fail. If everyone hit it off with every date, there would be no such thing as 'dating'! Sound depressing? It's actually good news. There is no need to put pressure on yourself that each date has to be a home-run.

 

6) Be Present.

 Sometimes we are so concerned and analytical about whether or not someone is a good match that we ignore how we actually feel about the people we spend time with. Be present on your next date and see how you feel. Now.

 

7) Be Positive.

Plain and simple – a positive attitude attracts and will make dating more enjoyable. When you start dating new people, resist the urge to complain about how your ex hurt you or how much you hate your job. Stay upbeat!

8) Get Over An Ex Who is Haunting You.

Find yourself comparing every date to the woman who broke your heart?  Write an angry letter (just make sure not to send the draft!), process your feelings with a friend or a therapist and do what you must do to find closure so you’re not bringing all the baggage from your last relationship into a potentially great new relationship.

 

9) Sweat the Small Stuff.

Do not undermine how important small gestures are to a woman. Making sure your date gets home okay, listening and genuinely being curious about what your date has to say, and being thoughtful often counts more to a woman than grand gestures.

 

10) Have fun.

In 2010, make a resolution to have fun in your dating pursuits! Dating is a great opportunity to meet new people, step out of your comfort zone and try new things.  ENJOY!

 

 Andrea Syrtash is a dating expert, life coach, author and host of 'ON Dating', produced by NBC Digital Studios. Her third book, "He's Just Not Your Type (and that's a good thing)" will be published by Rodale in April 2010. Andrea has made Google 'hot trends’, ranking in the top 100 things googled on particular days between 2007-2009. She has no idea how that happened, but appreciates the (very postmodern) honor. For more visit www.andreasyrtash.com

FITNESS FIESTA @ CRUNCH

Sponsered by IJL-Tonic Bar-& Nick's Crispy Tacos!

 

 

 

 

 

Do you "should" yourself?

January 8, Relationship Psychology Examiner Carolyn Kim

If you're like most people, you probably "should" yourself.

"Should"ing yourself takes a variety of forms and can take place at any hour of the day and in any locale: “I should go to the gym.” “I should be working more.” “I should tip the person at the counter.” “I should call him/her.”

Or what about, “I should be dating” or “I should be in a relationship.”

If any of these ring a bell, then “should”ing yourself has probably taken a hold of your way of thinking and being in the world, and it may not be helpful.

Here’s a way to understand why, using the “I should be in a relationship” statement as an example. Try saying this statement aloud to yourself a few times and notice how you feel when you say it.

You may notice that you feel a sense of self-judgment or a sense of external rules being applied to you, as if there’s an absolute Right or Wrong to this situation. It’s as if the “Book of Life” decreed, “There’s something wrong with you if you’re single!”

So essentially when you “should” yourself, you end up feeling bad about yourself. And if you feel bad about yourself, how do you think you might feel about dating or anything else for that matter?

You guessed it, not positively.

A more healthy and productive way to relate to yourself is to phrase this statement using the words “I want,” “I need,” or “I could” as a precursor. Say each one aloud a few times in succession, for example, “I want to be in a relationship,” etc. How does it feel?

It probably feels a lot better, right? That’s because by eliminating the “should,” you eliminate the external judgment of right and wrong.

Doing this helps you determine what is right for you in any given situation. It honors your individuality and uniqueness rather than prescribing to some "Book of Life" manual that you never received (and probably won't!).

Each precursor could bring up a different feeling, and that’s ok because it’s helping you clarify the subtleties of what really lies within, not what is being imposed upon you by the judgmental “should.”

You can do this exercise for any example in which the “should” word comes up.

So the next time you catch yourself “should”ing, lightly and kindly remind yourself that you can “want,” “need,” or “could” instead, and you’ll probably be much happier for it.

For more info: If you are wanting or needing to date, try these resources: OkCupid, a free online dating site that has Dating Tests to help match you up with potential matches.  Or try It's Just Lunch San Francisco, a specialized dating service for busy professionals.

Carolyn Kim, MA, MFT, is a licensed psychotherapist in private practice in San Francisco, CA.  Her specialties include: Anxiety, Stress, Depression, Relationship Difficulties, Self-Esteem, Life Transitions and Direction, Couples Counseling, Communication, Mind-Body Work, Personal Growth, and Empowerment.

You can contact Carolyn at carolyn@carolynkim.org or learn more about her by visiting her website: www.carolynkim.org.

THIS THURSDAY!

CRUNCH Fitness Club – Fitness Fiesta

2330 Polk Street, San Francisco

Wednesday, January 13th 5PM

-FIESTA free- Tacos and Sangria 5pm-8pm AND Latin Dance Class 6pm-7pm + IJL Raffle

-After party @ Tonic Bar 2360 Polk Street, San Francisco
www.crunch.com

www.tonic-bar.com

Be sure to check out all IJL events listed under our blog "Catagories"!

Remember: there's a fine line between annoying and endearing.

 By: Andrea Syrtash, Host of "On Dating"

Einstein said that the definition of insanity was doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Most of us are very stubborn about our dating practices claiming that we know what we know and even if our dating choices have not yet helped us find a successful relationship, we are not interested in challenging the way we date. Dr. Phil would certainly ask, "Well - how's that workin' for ya?”

Recent results of the American Way poll for It’s Just Lunch suggest that we are speed dating on first dates, dismissing the potential for more to develop before the bread basket even arrives.  According to the survey, it seems that we may as well request the check and end most dates after just a half hour or less!

In one of my first columns, I referred to 'Loud Sally' - a woman my friend initially wrote off as crazy and later pursued to marry.   My friend found this woman loud and rather irritating when he first encountered her, and never considered that her nervousness or the high noise-level in the room caused her to um...project...more than usual.  She was not at her best but he did not stick around long enough to realize there was a lot more to 'Loud Sally' than met the eye (or the ear, in this case). Interestingly, some of the quirks that this woman displayed the night they met later became my friend's favorite parts of her personality when he re-connected with her a year later. He once told me, "She hiccups when she's excited!" as if it was the cutest characteristic someone could have. Remember: there's a fine line between annoying and endearing.

How do you know, though, if, with a little time and patience, someone may grow on you? Here is a simple litmus test: If you look at the woman across from you on a first date and feel completely turned off and cannot see any shadow of a possibility with her in this lifetime (oh – the drama!) move on. If, however, you look at the woman in front of you and think, “She’s not a supermodel but I’m kind of enjoying this conversation…” hang in there. You may discover more about your feelings or the connection you have with her after the initial round of first date small talk…

Don’t get me wrong: I am not suggesting that you go on multiple dates with someone who turns you off – that is unrealistic and unfair. But - is it too much to ask for you to try to stay open-minded and present for the duration of a simple lunch date with someone you even moderately like? Like at first site is definitely underrated. Is it not worth the time and money you have put into the date to actually give it a fair shot? Doing so is not just for your date’s sake, but it is for yours as well.   If you are rejecting any possibility of a connection before you even know if you have one, you may be missing out on someone you have real chemistry with.  Too many happily married folks report that feelings grew through time together, and we all know that some of the blind date chatter is not always our best material.

Give your date an opportunity to show you who she is before you mentally check out. Give her more than half hour. After all, wouldn’t you want to be given the same chance?

Andrea Syrtash is a dating expert, life coach, author and host of 'ON Dating', produced by NBC Digital Studios. Her third book, "He's Just Not Your Type (and that's a good thing)" will be published by Rodale in April 2010. Andrea has made Google 'hot trends’, ranking in the top 100 things googled on particular days between 2007-2009. She has no idea how that happened, but appreciates the (very postmodern) honor. For more visit www.andreasyrtash.com

 By: Andrea Syrtash, Host of "On Dating"

Einstein said that the definition of insanity was doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Most of us are very stubborn about our dating practices claiming that we know what we know and even if our dating choices have not yet helped us find a successful relationship, we are not interested in challenging the way we date. Dr. Phil would certainly ask, "Well - how's that workin' for ya?”

Recent results of the American Way poll for It’s Just Lunch suggest that we are speed dating on first dates, dismissing the potential for more to develop before the bread basket even arrives.  According to the survey, it seems that we may as well request the check and end most dates after just a half hour or less!

In one of my first columns, I referred to 'Loud Sally' - a woman my friend initially wrote off as crazy and later pursued to marry.   My friend found this woman loud and rather irritating when he first encountered her, and never considered that her nervousness or the high noise-level in the room caused her to um...project...more than usual.  She was not at her best but he did not stick around long enough to realize there was a lot more to 'Loud Sally' than met the eye (or the ear, in this case). Interestingly, some of the quirks that this woman displayed the night they met later became my friend's favorite parts of her personality when he re-connected with her a year later. He once told me, "She hiccups when she's excited!" as if it was the cutest characteristic someone could have. Remember: there's a fine line between annoying and endearing.

How do you know, though, if, with a little time and patience, someone may grow on you? Here is a simple litmus test: If you look at the woman across from you on a first date and feel completely turned off and cannot see any shadow of a possibility with her in this lifetime (oh – the drama!) move on. If, however, you look at the woman in front of you and think, “She’s not a supermodel but I’m kind of enjoying this conversation…” hang in there. You may discover more about your feelings or the connection you have with her after the initial round of first date small talk…

Don’t get me wrong: I am not suggesting that you go on multiple dates with someone who turns you off – that is unrealistic and unfair. But - is it too much to ask for you to try to stay open-minded and present for the duration of a simple lunch date with someone you even moderately like? Like at first site is definitely underrated. Is it not worth the time and money you have put into the date to actually give it a fair shot? Doing so is not just for your date’s sake, but it is for yours as well.   If you are rejecting any possibility of a connection before you even know if you have one, you may be missing out on someone you have real chemistry with.  Too many happily married folks report that feelings grew through time together, and we all know that some of the blind date chatter is not always our best material.

Give your date an opportunity to show you who she is before you mentally check out. Give her more than half hour. After all, wouldn’t you want to be given the same chance?

Andrea Syrtash is a dating expert, life coach, author and host of 'ON Dating', produced by NBC Digital Studios. Her third book, "He's Just Not Your Type (and that's a good thing)" will be published by Rodale in April 2010. Andrea has made Google 'hot trends’, ranking in the top 100 things googled on particular days between 2007-2009. She has no idea how that happened, but appreciates the (very postmodern) honor. For more visit www.andreasyrtash.com

Success Stories

Congratulations to Mara and Steve who met in early November and hit it off instantly. Their first date lasted hours longer than expected. They decided to see each other the next day and continued to date through December. They spent the holidays together overseas and are currently still enjoying each others company.  

2010 Is a New Decade! Are you ready to make a positive change for your future?

Change your outlook and your luck will change. Here you are, contemplating about how to start a new dating adventure. You have been dreaming about meeting someone special for a while now, but the idea of actually getting out there and doing it is a little scary.

You spend your time and energy on your career, your workouts, and your finances, and now you are ready for romance. You have tried the traditional ways to meet people – blind dates set up by friends, the Internet, the bar scene. But none of that has worked out. The next step is to go out into the world and meet new people, but where and how? You are busy and do not have a lot of time for trial and error.

That’s where we come in.

There is no better place to find good advice about dating than from people who have gone through it before – in our case, more than 50,000 times a month. It’s Just Lunch is responsible for millions of fun first dates, so we know a thing or two about successful dating. We aim to demystify some of aspects of the dating process, as well as provide tips and suggestions to boost your prospects.

Perhaps you have gone through a divorce or breakup. Or maybe you have been single for some time and just have not met the right person yet. Whatever brings you here, let us first say, congratulations on being single. Yes, we mean it! Being single is an exciting time in your life. It is a chance to learn more about yourself, to understand what you want for the future, and to discover the qualities you really want in a partner.

If you are not feeling enthusiastic about dating yet, you might need a little attitude adjustment to get you mentally prepared for your dating journey. Having a positive outlook as well as knowing the pitfalls and how to overcome them will make all the difference.

Start by putting all those bad relationships and dates from hell behind you. That is all in the past, and you cannot do anything about them. Think about the future and make a promise to give yourself the time to enjoy the dating process – try not to take it too seriously.

Here’s the scoop: Dating can and should be lots of fun. Keep this in mind and you will have a much better time than you think.  Make 2010 a year to remember, try dating someone you never in a million years would think that you like.  As matchmakers, we’ve seen this lead to a lot of success and if not, chalk it up to a fun adventure.