Singles Scene San Francisco

It's a Date...Not a Job Interview

Have you noticed that most people can't stand silence?  Whether they're in a group of 2 of more, it's common for people to feel anxious at large gaps in the conversation. Maybe even small gaps.

What frequently happens is that someone (maybe you?) jumps in and says something, anything to get the conversation going again. Anything to kill the silence.

See Conversation Killers: What NOT to Say on a First Date

For many busy professionals, the topic is work. Which makes sense. We spend the majority of our waking hours at work. And for many single professionals, their career is the center of their lives.

Feedback we've received, here at IJL San Francisco, from many daters shows that, for the most part, people are turned off when date conversation turns to work, work, work.  Remember, this is a date and NOT a job interview. Your date may be impressed by your professional success. But they don't want to hear about it in depth, for the whole date.  

See 4 Simple Ways to Make a Great First Impression

Instead of filling that silence with work chatter, ask your date some open questions about themselves. And be prepared to talk about your life. Your whole life, not just your career.

Starting Fresh with It's Just Lunch.

We've all heard the quote, "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results." And it makes sense, on a very fundamental level. If you want to change your results, you need to change things up and do things differently. Change your formula.

Same holds true when it comes to dating.

Millions of singles entered the new year with a resolution to date more. Date better. Or maybe to start dating again after a hard breakup or a long absence from the dating scene.

Many folks will try online dating. And why not? Everyone's doing it, right? Some people will return to online dating for the 2nd or 3rd (or 10th) try, having failed before.  They'll try a new site, or some new pictures. Maybe a new headline and a profile rewrite.

Here's a thought, maybe it's time to try something new. Something a bit more proactive. A lot more ACTIVE. At IJL San Francisco we help you skip to the best part of dating. The actual DATE. No endless emails back and forth with someone who may or may not be anything like their online profile. No silly IMs with strangers. We do all of the hard work for you, so that you can get on with your life and make the most of your spare time. 

Let IJL San Francisco help you meet your New Year's Dating Resolutions. Contact us to learn more about how you can start fresh, with new results.

'Tis the Season: Gift Giving Tips for New Relationships

Each year, we here at IJL San Francisco get the same question: "Do I buy a holiday gift for someone I just started dating?"

It's a smart question. One of the worst things you can do is to force a relationship or seem too pushy or desperate.

BUT, and this is a big but, this is one of those times when it's OK to get a little enthusiastic.  'Tis the season, after all. And if you want to give someone a small token of your feelings, then you should.

That said, here are 3 simple tips to keep in mind when shopping for that new special someone.

1) Give if want to give, not because you think you should give.  Go with your gut on this one, it probably won't stear you wrong.  If your gut tells you it's too soon, it probably is. PS. One date is too soon.

2) Keep it small and inexpensive. You've just started dating this person. Your gift shouldn't be big or pricey. A large/expensive gift could just embarrass your new partner.

3) Make it personal, not generic. The best gifts show that you were paying attention. For example, a book by their favorite author, tickets to a show they mentioned wanting to see, a bottle of their favorite wine... 

Do You Really Know What You Want in a Partner?

Today's title was borrowed from a recent post in ScienceDaily.com. And, according to them and some recent research from Northwestern University and Texas A&M University, the answer is NO.  

You probably don't really know what you want in a partner. No one does. 

"People have ideas about the abstract qualities they're looking for in a romantic partner," said Eastwick, assistant professor of psychology at Texas A&M University and lead author of the study. "But once you actually meet somebody face to face, those ideal preferences for traits tend to be quite flexible."

The idea is that the whole is greater than the sum of its parts, said Finkel, associate professor of psychology at Northwestern University and co-author of the study.

"People are not simply the average of their traits," he said. "Knowing that somebody is persistent, ambitious and sexy does not tell you what that person is actually like. It doesn't make sense for us to search for partners that way."

So, to recap, don't be surprised if the person you eventually meet and fall madly in love with doesn't resemble your preconcieved notions of who might make up your ideal mate. Something to think about before your next first date.

Are Romantic Comedies Ruining Your Love Life?

What are your favorite movies? Do they end with people falling in love and living happily ever after? And if so, maybe that's a problem.

Have you ever taken the time to think carefully about your favorite heroes and heroines and whether their relationships are actually healthy?  We're not talking about the stereotypical disney princesses or Carrie and her crazy dysfunction with Big. Think about your favorite movies and TV shows from the past couple of years. Any relationships or dating behaviors you should really be emulating?

Probably not.  Which is worth thinking about before your next date. Speaking of your next date... It's Just Lunch San Francisco is always here to help!

When it comes right down to it, there are actually very few portrayals of healthy, funtional relationships in the movies and on television. Which, in a way, makes sense. Healthy isn't nearly as much fun to watch as crazy. The Real Housewives franchise would seem to be the perfect evidence of that.

For a funny take on a similar topic, check out 4 Pieces of Relationship Advice Movies Need to Stop Giving via Cracked.

Why You Need a Man, Not a Boy

Like most of America, we're big fans of The Office and LOVE Mindy Kaling (how could you not!). So we were excited to see this exclusive excerpt in Glamour from her upcoming book. We can't repost the whole thing, but wanted to share some of what we thought was her suprisingly sensible dating advice.

"...Owning a house obviously wasn’t enough to make me want to keep dating Peter. Like I said, he was kind of a condescending dick. But I observed in Peter a quality that I knew I wanted in the next guy I dated seriously: He wasn’t afraid of commitment.

At this point you might want to smack me and say: “Are you seriously just another grown woman talking about how she wants a man who isn’t afraid of commitment?” Let me explain! I’m not talking about commitment to romantic relationships. I’m talking about commitment to things—houses, jobs, neighborhoods. Paying a mortgage. When men hear women want a commitment, they think it means commitment to a romantic relationship, but that’s not it. It’s a commitment to not floating around anymore. I want a guy who is entrenched in his own life. Entrenched is awesome.

So I’m into men now, even though they can be frightening. I want a schedule-keeping, waking-up-early, wallet-carrying, picture-hanging man. I don’t care if he takes prescription drugs for cholesterol or hair loss. (I don’t want that, but I can handle it. I’m a grown-up too.)

I know I’m only marginally qualified to be giving advice. I’m not married, I frequently use my debit card to buy things that cost less than three dollars, and my bedroom is so untidy it looks like vandals ransacked the Anthropologie sale section. I’m kind of a mess. I did, however, fulfill a childhood dream of writing, producing and acting in television and movies. Armed with that confidence, alongside a lifelong love of the sound of my own voice, I’m giving you this bit of wisdom: When you turn 30—maybe even before—a fun thing to try is dating men..."

When you turn 30—maybe even before—a fun thing to try is dating men.  

We agree. 

Conversation Killers: What NOT to Say on a First Date

Sometimes it's not what you say, but how you say it. And sometimes, it's WHAT you say. Take first dates, for instance.

First dates can be tough. For our It's Just Lunch San Francisco clients, you're meeting your date for the first time. And, though you have some information about him/her, you also have lots of questions.

It's up to you to be smart enough to remember which questions are OK to ask (on a first date) and which questions should be saved for a later time. To repeat and clarify, it's perfectly normal to want more information from your date, but some questions and topics should be saved for a later time.

Recently, we surveyed our members about their top First Date Conversation Killers. Here's what they had to say. At the top of their list of conversation killers is past relationships, with nearly half of all respondents saying that it would definitely kill their conversation. 

Next on the list is dieting or body image, followed by (surprise) politics and marriage. Again, all of these are topics that might be appropriate for later dates, but could very well destroy that good first date vibe.

Which is more important: Chemistry or Compatibility?

4 Simple Ways to Make a Great First Impression

We've all heard it all before, dozens of times, "You only have one chance to make a first impression." 

This has special importance when it comes to dating. According to our IJL internal polls, daters are quick to decide whether or not they're interested in seeing someone again.  So whatever happens in those first 15-20 minutes of the first date frequently determines whether or not there's going to be a second date, or any potential relationship.

With this is mind, we've prepared a few simple tips to help you make a better first impression:

1)  Pay close attention to your body language:  Project an open and inviting attitude with open posture. Uncross your arms and sit or stand with your shoulders back, not hunched over.

2)  Be genuinely happy:  This means more than just smiling.  Forced smiles come across as forced or fake. If you're in a bad or troubled mood (or just nervous) before a date, do something to cheer yourself up and relax. Listen to some music, meditate, take a walk. Whatever it is that will help you change your attitude. Bring a genuinely upbeat mood with you, and you'll make a much better impression.

3)  Hold your eye contact: A great way to communicate interest in another person is to hold eye contact for just a couple of beats longer than usual. JUST a couple of seconds, no more.

4)  Relax: Tone down and turn off all of your nervous habits. Some people are hair twisters, others tap their feet, others drum their fingers against the table. All of these little tics are signs of discomfort and make people less likely to trust and warm to you.  

It's impossible to guarantee a great first date. But if you follow these tips, you'll likely make a great first impression.

Smiling Guys Are Unsexy, Says New Study

A new University of British Columbia study claims to prove that women find smiling men significantly less attractive than men who aren't smiling. In fact, they found that women are most attracted to swaggering, brooding guys, aka the strong silent type.  

In their study of 1000 adult participants, they found that women were least attracted to smiling, happy men, instead preferring those who looked proud and powerful or moody and ashamed.

In contrast, male participants were most sexually attracted to women who looked happy, and least attracted to women who appeared proud and confident.. 

This certainly reinforces a lot of popular mythology about the way that women think about men. Women go for the bad boys over the nice guys. Nice guys finish last.  

It's important to note that this was a study of sexual attraction. Participants were not asked who they'd most like to date, or who might make a good romantic partner. 

It would be a big mistake to assume that women do not find happy, smiling men attractive. Quite the contrary. Women do, indeed, seek out happy, well-adjusted men for dating and relationships. 

So guys, please don't be afraid to smile.