Singles Scene San Francisco

Why You Need a Man, Not a Boy

Like most of America, we're big fans of The Office and LOVE Mindy Kaling (how could you not!). So we were excited to see this exclusive excerpt in Glamour from her upcoming book. We can't repost the whole thing, but wanted to share some of what we thought was her suprisingly sensible dating advice.

"...Owning a house obviously wasn’t enough to make me want to keep dating Peter. Like I said, he was kind of a condescending dick. But I observed in Peter a quality that I knew I wanted in the next guy I dated seriously: He wasn’t afraid of commitment.

At this point you might want to smack me and say: “Are you seriously just another grown woman talking about how she wants a man who isn’t afraid of commitment?” Let me explain! I’m not talking about commitment to romantic relationships. I’m talking about commitment to things—houses, jobs, neighborhoods. Paying a mortgage. When men hear women want a commitment, they think it means commitment to a romantic relationship, but that’s not it. It’s a commitment to not floating around anymore. I want a guy who is entrenched in his own life. Entrenched is awesome.

So I’m into men now, even though they can be frightening. I want a schedule-keeping, waking-up-early, wallet-carrying, picture-hanging man. I don’t care if he takes prescription drugs for cholesterol or hair loss. (I don’t want that, but I can handle it. I’m a grown-up too.)

I know I’m only marginally qualified to be giving advice. I’m not married, I frequently use my debit card to buy things that cost less than three dollars, and my bedroom is so untidy it looks like vandals ransacked the Anthropologie sale section. I’m kind of a mess. I did, however, fulfill a childhood dream of writing, producing and acting in television and movies. Armed with that confidence, alongside a lifelong love of the sound of my own voice, I’m giving you this bit of wisdom: When you turn 30—maybe even before—a fun thing to try is dating men..."

When you turn 30—maybe even before—a fun thing to try is dating men.  

We agree. 

Conversation Killers: What NOT to Say on a First Date

Sometimes it's not what you say, but how you say it. And sometimes, it's WHAT you say. Take first dates, for instance.

First dates can be tough. For our It's Just Lunch San Francisco clients, you're meeting your date for the first time. And, though you have some information about him/her, you also have lots of questions.

It's up to you to be smart enough to remember which questions are OK to ask (on a first date) and which questions should be saved for a later time. To repeat and clarify, it's perfectly normal to want more information from your date, but some questions and topics should be saved for a later time.

Recently, we surveyed our members about their top First Date Conversation Killers. Here's what they had to say. At the top of their list of conversation killers is past relationships, with nearly half of all respondents saying that it would definitely kill their conversation. 

Next on the list is dieting or body image, followed by (surprise) politics and marriage. Again, all of these are topics that might be appropriate for later dates, but could very well destroy that good first date vibe.

It's in His Voice?

Ladies, have you ever found yourself deeply attracted to the sound of man's voice? Or perhaps thinking about a man (and his voice) for hours after meeting?

Well, now researchers at the University of Aberdeen have a scientific explanation for us. In a recent journal article called Memory & Cognition, they assert that their research uncovers a link between the depth/sound of a man's voice and a women's subsequent ability to recall what he's said.

In short, if you want a woman to remember you should speak in a low pitch voice. Also important (and even more interesting, to us here at It's Just Lunch San Francisco) is that women's attraction to deeper voices is based on biological tendencies.

As with all of these studies, we take this with a grain of salt. We can think of lots of sexy and memorable men who don't have deep, low pitch voices. But it's interesting to think that there's a reason why some men might be memorable than others, and why some men's voices seem so universally sexy.

Love and Marriage: Does Height Matter?

Everyone's gawking at pictures and videos from Kim Kardashian's wedding. And while the (THREE) Vera Wang dresses were all stunning, the bride looked beautiful and every little detail about the wedding and reception seems absolutely gorgeous, we can't take our eyes off of pictures of the couple standing together.

They make quite a pair. Kim is 5'2" while Kris is 6'9".  That's a 19" inch difference. More than a foot and a half.

They're hardly the only celebrity couple who have notable height differences. The folks at TresSugar put together this great slideshow of other famously disproportionate couples.

Our favorites: French President Nicolas Sarkozy and his wife Carla Bruni; and Tina Fey and her husband Jeff Richmond.  

So often, people come to the dating process with pre-conceived notions about the height and/or body type of who they'd like to date. Many women say they won't date a man who is shorter than they are. Some men are exclusively looking for women who are taller, or shorter than a specific height.  

But true love doesn't have height requirements. We all know real life couples who seem a bit lopsided. Lopsided, but happy.

 

Opposites Stay Together

Dating (especially the online version) is now a multi-million dollar industry. And much of it is based on the commonly held theory that if you check a bunch of personality traits off a list, and are matched with someone like you, then you'll be likely to have a long and happy marriage.

Not so fast.

A recent study at the University of Colorado that focused on couples who had been married for more than 40 years found that this assumption did not hold up.  Their research is still in the early stages, but for now it looks like all of those matching tests and formulas may not have anything to do with what keeps couples together, for the long-term.

Other research actually suggests that personality differences may be more helpful in supporting a long-term, happy relationship.

For more on these studies, check out Want a Lasting Marriage? Personality Match May Not Matter.

 

May - December Romances

One (of the many) juicy tangents of the hacking scandal in the UK is the renewed interest in the relationship between Rupert Murdoch and his (now famous) wife Wendi Deng. Much has been made about their 38 year age difference. They married when she was 3o and he was 38 (just 2 weeks after his second divorce was finalized).

At first glance, and second glance, they seem an unlikely couple. But really they're just the latest celebrity May-December romance to hit the spotlight in recent months.

It was just weeks ago that the internet was blowing up with news of the marriage between 16 year-old Country Singer Courtney Alexis Stodden and 51 year-old actor Doug Hutchison.  A marriage that required her parents permission, and would not have been legal in some states.

These are both fairly extreme cases of May-December Romances. Out here, in the real world, it's pretty "normal" for men to date younger women. And for women to date younger men. Ages differences of 10 or 15 years seldom even get attention.

What do you think about May-December romances?  Have you ever dated a  person who was much younger (or older) than you? How young is too young?

Which is more important: Chemistry or Compatibility?

When is the Right Time to Say "I Love You"?

Have you ever wondered about the right time to say, "I love you" for the first time? 

According to a recent study by the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, men begin thinking about professing their love 97.3 days into a new relationship. 

What's more, men are more likely to say "I love you" to their partners first. In 61% of cases men beat their partners to the punch. However, these same men stated a preference for having their partners speak first.  

Women, on the other hand, expressed a clear distrust of men who say, "I love you" too early in the relationship.  

Hmm.  So men want to hear their partners profess their love, first. But a majority of guys can't wait.  And women are suspicious of men who jump the gun and blurt out their feelings too early.  

Sounds like, if this research tells us anything, it's that it might be smart to wait a bit. Ot at least 97 days.

4 Simple Ways to Make a Great First Impression

We've all heard it all before, dozens of times, "You only have one chance to make a first impression." 

This has special importance when it comes to dating. According to our IJL internal polls, daters are quick to decide whether or not they're interested in seeing someone again.  So whatever happens in those first 15-20 minutes of the first date frequently determines whether or not there's going to be a second date, or any potential relationship.

With this is mind, we've prepared a few simple tips to help you make a better first impression:

1)  Pay close attention to your body language:  Project an open and inviting attitude with open posture. Uncross your arms and sit or stand with your shoulders back, not hunched over.

2)  Be genuinely happy:  This means more than just smiling.  Forced smiles come across as forced or fake. If you're in a bad or troubled mood (or just nervous) before a date, do something to cheer yourself up and relax. Listen to some music, meditate, take a walk. Whatever it is that will help you change your attitude. Bring a genuinely upbeat mood with you, and you'll make a much better impression.

3)  Hold your eye contact: A great way to communicate interest in another person is to hold eye contact for just a couple of beats longer than usual. JUST a couple of seconds, no more.

4)  Relax: Tone down and turn off all of your nervous habits. Some people are hair twisters, others tap their feet, others drum their fingers against the table. All of these little tics are signs of discomfort and make people less likely to trust and warm to you.  

It's impossible to guarantee a great first date. But if you follow these tips, you'll likely make a great first impression.

Smiling Guys Are Unsexy, Says New Study

A new University of British Columbia study claims to prove that women find smiling men significantly less attractive than men who aren't smiling. In fact, they found that women are most attracted to swaggering, brooding guys, aka the strong silent type.  

In their study of 1000 adult participants, they found that women were least attracted to smiling, happy men, instead preferring those who looked proud and powerful or moody and ashamed.

In contrast, male participants were most sexually attracted to women who looked happy, and least attracted to women who appeared proud and confident.. 

This certainly reinforces a lot of popular mythology about the way that women think about men. Women go for the bad boys over the nice guys. Nice guys finish last.  

It's important to note that this was a study of sexual attraction. Participants were not asked who they'd most like to date, or who might make a good romantic partner. 

It would be a big mistake to assume that women do not find happy, smiling men attractive. Quite the contrary. Women do, indeed, seek out happy, well-adjusted men for dating and relationships. 

So guys, please don't be afraid to smile.